On Compromises

                  As the 2^nd Semester of the school year came to its last weeks, I’ve had the feeling against the upcoming summer apostolate. I believe it’s not the kind of feeling of laziness or disgust because I don’t feel such. It’s not that I am lazy or it’s not that I hate apostolate. I’ve had 3 summer apostolates already and in each of them I’ve felt that kind. I’ve been able to finish each and every one of it with disgust but in toto, each was something, as I realize it, I’ve come to enjoy but this one in Tiaong, I don’t think so.

                It’s not about Tiaong, not the place. That’s another

premise. I’ve had something against apostolates that I’ve come to realize even before I was sent off to Tiaong. I once said it to myself as I did some thinking. For me, I think apostolates compromise one’s ego and it’s totally undeniable. I knew it then, but I don’t seem to mind and that, I guess it is the problem because during my last apostolate, I I’ve come to pay attention to that fact very much and that is why I’ve had one hell of a month.

                Now, about the compromise I’ve said, I said it because my ego, who is not supposed to be bound with limitations were bounded because of me. I’ve let myself be subdued by people I

don’t know, and my reason is just to finish so that I could be on my own afterwards. It’s like staying alive in the hands of bad guys, obeying and giving up everything so that one day I could free myself and take my revenge by doing what my ego was supposed to do – be what it is.

                I guess this is the problem, the values of apostolates and the values of my ego aren’t the same. Apostolates teach us to be dependent on others, doing what it requires while compromising those that I want. Living in places I don’t know, being with people who are complete strangers, being bound to so many prohibitions,

these are just few of them and my ego hate every single one of them, these things compromise so much that I can’t help but be some fake, paper person who folds to anything so that I would be what they want.

                Because of all these things, I knew even before that I wouldn’t be having any fun in my month-long stay in Tiaong. Because these things floated my mind, I knew I would hate so many people and see things in their chaotic faces and when I say people, I mean there’s no exception.

                I would be lying if I’ve only felt this much bitterness. Of

course there came a time in my stay that I was able to put up smiles and break a laugh. That’s another thing. It’s my ego that can’t help but mingle. It’s not like every people in Tiaong was a lost soul. There were others with whom I’ve come to realize that have the values I have, and for that I was able to make good friends. I’ve made friends, that’s a fact but so few of them could be considered. Some were just for my ego’s survival, nothing more.

                Commands were also what I hate the most. To tell me to do things I don’t like is something that agitates me. But then, because I need to finish, my fake ego made it all work out in the

end. Coming to think of it, I’ve had less work in my apostolate in Tiaong. Unlike my past apostolates which were so productive in my perspective, I did so less in the place. Maybe it’s because I did too much thinking in that hell month.

                Many of my friend seminarians would consider us lucky. Only this time did the apostolate in Tiaong be parish bound. The past seminarians were doing apostolates in far flung places of Tiaong. Though I don’t like the thought, living in the parish for a month and seeing so much about how the place ran, I’ve once come to the wish I were also living in those far-flung places.

                Now, as to the other premise I was saying a little earlier, another factor why I’ve come to dislike my month-long apostolate was brought about by the place itself. I’ve experienced Tiaong in its luxurious Villa Escudero, and I’ve come to admire the beauty of the structure of the town while endlessly roaming the streets which were too structured well in a plain manner that makes a stroll quite a thing. I’ve also seen the faith of the people and the devotion they’ve had. Tiaong indeed has so many things to brag about. Still, there’s so much of the bad side that I’ve witnessed with my bare eyes.

                So many people who live there were corrupted greatly. The eyes I saw in the crowds were full of something I can’t explain. I’ve seen people who were nothing great. There were people who show goodness even though I can smell how their insides stink. A lot smile when they face us but talks a lot when we weren’t around. Church people serve only the church, but forget those who sacrifice for it. Priests seem bugged. They do their work, yes but that’s where it ends. Tiaong is beautiful, but inside it is an upheaval I don’t ever want to remember for the rest of my life. My month long stay was a nightmare I don’t want in my memory anymore.

                Last night, we’ve had our way through the town, and I’ve come to say it’s been a pleasure, and quite a big pain. What makes me happy now is the fact that Tiaong will now be just a memory about my past that I would never ever relive again, a memory of a place that once compromised my ego so much. Now, it’s just a part of my memory about my ego who was subdued and bounded but is now and will ever be as free.