August 5th thoughts

By this moment, the afternoon has passed and the twilight’s taking over the vast sky. With its orangey aura that had drenched the seemingly patterned clouds and the trees of the mountains beginning to hide in the inevitable darkness, I’ve thought of you.

Years have already passed since the first day I’ve met you and years have already passed when I realized the feelings that, until now, is kept in the deepest corner of my heart. Through that long time, which feels like a passing hour, have made me accept the fact that thoughts like this, thoughts about you when I stare into an invisible void against the beauty of the scenery, is something that’ll always come in me, simple thoughts that shape who I became after a long time of knowing you.

Sitting alone in this balcony, with a pen in my hand and with my arm resting on a spiral notebook that I always carry, I am certain now that it will always be in me to think of you. The softness of your smile and the innocence and charm you always drool around seems to be an impossible thing to forget than the beauty of this twilight I am staring at right now.

Amidst this war between darkness and light, I remember as well myself. There’s always the meaning and the definition of who I am and what I ought to be just like the clouds in the sky that floats for so many people to see, clouds which shift from one form to another, yet remaining in the sky for so long a time. Knowing who I am and defining myself will always be done by me, yet without you, my sky, I will never be. Others can see what they’ve seen in me yet on my part; there will always be an incompleteness without you who defines me.

For so many times my consciousness eluded me about it having a sort of primacy over existence. For once, I’ve thought that this darkness that has now ended that beautiful twilight is something I can control and that was when I’ve fantasized that the feeling I’ve had would return to me and so yeah, I was dead wrong with that, though I’ve never regretted that. A little bit of sugar-coating in life somehow feels good, and so I’ve made my excuse of sticking with it for a time until I realized that I can’t prevent the darkness of the night and that the cold- breeze it brought is now soothing my skin with a reminder of how one-sided that love was. It doesn’t exist in reality, indeed, this sugar-coated story of mine, yet it will have its self-contained universe which will always be free from judgments and will never be compromised, just like the scenery of the twilight earlier, where I have created a self-contained story that will never be known in the reality to which I am bounded forever.

A little bit of light is still fighting in the outskirts of the mountains that bring silhouettes of the trees it handles, just like me struggling to prevent myself from bursting into thoughts I’ve so much wanted to share. My handwriting now is distorted with the shaking of my hands, scared that I am running out of time yet in my soul I knew I’d have forever to make up for everything and for you. In my mind, though I know the line gets thinner and thinner as the light fades, there’ll be twilight in tomorrow’s reality, another chance to think and to dwell on what I’ll think. It will be another cycle and I know it’s on me again to make it another part of the reality I so much wanted to grasp within me.

I’m keeping my self together now, blinded in the darkness that envelopes the sky that was once loved because of its sweet face. The evidence of the sun’s presence now swept away in a place who knows where and the darkness no one can fathom now covers everything it can. But then, despite all of these, I am here and I think of you and regardless of neither the twilight’s beauty nor the darkness’ emptiness, I will always love you. (written Saturday, August 5th)