It was a simple question, yet to answer, I realize I need to really know myself, to reinstate what I previously see, and compare it to how I see it now.
The past months brought incomparable gladness to my whole being, that I am sure of. When I met the girl of my life, I've felt a certain joy, a joy that is so genuine, a joy that is so pure.
I count it as pure joy when I see her smile as we tread the outskirts of Pleasantville, towards their home, or towards the school where she teaches. When her hand meets mine, fingers entwined, or when she embraces my arms as I held our umbrella, skipping puddles underneath the ambiance of a soft drizzle and laughing at each other, these are the moments when I always feel how special life can be.
I feel a pleasant sensation, in times when I get to be with her, whether it is in checking papers as we listen to love songs, stealing hugs and kisses from each other as we put on decors, which then turns into something deeper, more profound than any other moments.
These are only tinges in the cascading moments since I met her, yet even in these smallest instances, the feeling as well as the love... I can feel it coursing through me in every passing second.
It is in these moments when I realize that the potentiality of feeling the happiness will only turn into actuality with her and that nothing can sustain that happiness other than the continuation of these simple things for the rest of my life.
The recent unfolding of events made me weak, that I realized, and I would be lying if I deny it for myself. During these times, my mind was bombarded with thoughts and notions, with comments and words, and it turned out that I was greatly affected by those.
I don't know how or why it turned like that. I became weak, and I make no excuses for myself, as I really am guilty of what had happened. It is true enough to say that I am imperfect and that I fail from time to time, but to this one, I am feeling so ashamed that I let it came to the point when I made the love of my life feel that I wasn't anymore the same.
Have I really changed perspective?
What I have felt back then, I remember it crystal clear... in my mind... and mostly in my heart. The pure joy and happiness, the simple pleasures I take in moments with her. No words or notions would be able to take that perspective away.
True enough, I made rash decisions, decisions I regret, and decisions I am choosing to change right now. I don't know... maybe it's too late for that, as the wound it made has already been made, and that its healing process would be the hardest thing.
Yet, in all these, I stand by and hold fast to what I have had in the past... with her, and with these, I have hope, a big hope.
I can be as strong as ever because my girl has given me the chance, the chance that I am not going to waste, the chance that I am going to take, the chance that I am going to fight with everything I've got.
I don't know how I can do this, and I don't know how long it will take. But then, I see hope in these, remembering the joys I once felt, the pleasures I once experienced, the happiness I once had.
If there is one single chance, that would make her feel that same happiness I've given her, I'll take it and I'll do my best with it.
Amidst all the inconsistencies I have made her feel, all the wrong words I said to her, all the heartaches I brought to her, and all the wrong decisions that hurt her, this is the one thing I am sure of. This is the one thing I am certain of:
I chose her, and I plan to choose her again and again, every day. I fell in love with her, and I plan to stay in love with her, forever.
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