It is almost mid-December, and I've come to ask myself this question as I tread down a certain street of Pleasantville Subdivision, a street I've become familiar to starting from the last days of August this year. The night was young during that particular moment, but still, I was able to feel the crispness in the air that holds the promise of the nearing Christmas season.
I was only wearing a shirt and shorts, and though my backpack was able to keep my back warm, there was nothing to protect my bare arms and legs from the cold breezes that perennially comes at bay. Still, a different kind of coldness envelopes my body as I delve towards the familiar road I've been through for almost every day for almost four months.
I should have been thinking of something way too much, after the long day that was about to end, but I wasn't. This doesn't surprise me, as I have never been that much considering being sentimental. I've been trained to ponder, what with my years of formation and years of being exposed to meditations and silences that was deafening enough to force one to think of even the slightest notions about his own life. But to think of something more than that, I wasn't. It was not because of the tiredness that filled me in, nor the sadness and guilt I was feeling during the moment. It was because I was thinking of one single thing - I hurt my beloved girl, Sheena... again.
It was no intention of mine, as who on earth would want to intentionally hurt someone they loved. However, the guilt of hurting her is taking too much of a toll for me, that even the cold breaths of night and the tiredness that once conquered me every day seemed to matter not even for a single passing second. This was made worse by the fact that the reason for hurting her is my self, my attitude, formed from the years of stupidity and stubbornness that never have faded but rather became even worse as I grow to immaturity.
I make no excuses for myself, as I admit that that is who I still am, and it pains me to realize this about myself. Yet, despite all these, I believe that if I've done one thing right, it has been to love Sheena since that special day when I shared the totality of myself, my past and all that encompasses my existence.
While this is something that may strike one as a deed not even worth mentioning, it was the one thing I can truly say that I did with all my heart.
Of course, fights have been enormously normal in a relationship, but since this is my first, and am hopelessly praying that this would last, these are my first experiences of engaging into arguments and believe me when I say it's totally heartbreaking, in the sense that words were like sharpened blades, cutting through the past joys and happiness you've once felt and through the seemingly indestructible promises and commitment for each other.
There was nothing to blame on her part. It was solely my fault and the fault of my past attitude that planned on staying with me until now. This is true and I admit it. I speak words that sting, and what is worse is that I never really learned to think first before speaking. I never really learned to somehow use my nerves and to think of the ears and hearts that'll be hearing it.
Now, I am outside their gate, both my arms and legs feel the coldness of the air, and after staying still for a few minutes, I let my feet walk in minimal strides away, as I thought: It was a really good day, and I ruined it because of my words.
This has happened to us before, and the same guilt from me just adds up, to the point that I was already questioning myself if I truly can change myself for good. True enough, I was hurting her. What pains me most is the fact that I keep on doing the same mistakes, mistakes that I promise won't be happening, and yet happening nonetheless.
As to some stranger who will read this, this may strike them as some act of me justifying myself for what I've done. Truth is, I am saying all these because I want to underscore that my attitude and the frequent times I mess things up, I never doubted my feelings for her. Sure, there were times when we fight, with the latest this one, but still, I never doubted us. It would have been dishonest to say that I haven't wondered what would have happened had I met someone else, but in the past months that we've spent together, I never, ever, once regretted the fact that I had chosen her and that she had chosen me as well.
I thought that I was doing okay, what with all my efforts and deeds, but I was wrong. I was able to realize it deeper now. I've learned that all my efforts and plans to make her happy wasn't all that comprises our relationship. What happened before I found myself alone outside their gate was one small event in the great scheme of things, yet it is in those small things that sting much on my part and mostly on hers.
As I bury myself in my thoughts, I took off, leaving the place to penalize myself for being an asshole boyfriend who does nothing but hurt my girl's feelings. It dawned on me that I need to change myself for the better, that loving her meant also changing my bad sides, the negative ones who pricks her every time.
Being careful doesn't do the job. I get that now. In our relationship, I learned that keeping myself together and getting myself to be better is the key to make our relationship stronger as time gets to pass. With my undoubted feelings for her as the fuel, I should be able to change for the better.
***
Is it possible, I wonder, for myself to truly change? Or would my character and habit that has been built in me form an immovable boundary that would prevent me from changing for the better?
As I get distant from that familiar facade, the facade of a gate that I had always stood by since I've met her, the familiar place where I happily waited for almost every morning and evening, where all my cries and smiles was released with all my heart in it, I have heard a faint voice, a voice I am certain I would never forget for the rest of my life.
It was Sheena, the girl to whom I would make it up to for the rest of my life. It was her voice, forgiving me despite all my stubbornness and despite all the pain, I'm making her feel. It was her, approaching my already distant body. At that moment, I realized that I can change, that I'll be able to. And the reason is that I am being forgiven, being given the chance to change, and most of all being loved despite all my weaknesses.
Through this particular walk, I learned, that wounds can be inflicted easily upon those we love, and it is indeed very difficult to heal them. But then again, despite this, the process of healing these kinds of wounds provide the richest experience in life.
Her forgiveness and her understanding made me want to strive so hard to change for the better. The endless chances despite my incompleteness destroyed the boundaries that prevent me from changing my negative sides.
Upon hearing her sweet voice, I again realize how blessed I am, that I was able to meet someone who would make me realize the real value of love and everything that comes with it. At that moment, I again realized how much I love her, and that I would do whatever it takes to make her happy, and to make her stay.
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